Time

Today I read some stuff I wrote a long time ago.  It was great.  Well, not the writing so much, but the experience was great.  It's always eye-opening to see how far you've come.  One section that really hit me, though, was from a file titled "Year 31 Reflections."  I'm nothing if not clear.  I wrote it one my 31st birthday, almost two and a half years ago.  It rings as true today as it did then.

"One thought on my mind lately is the aspect of time. It overwhelms me. There's not enough. I'm not the only one to think so, of course, but it is my reality. I want to do so much on top of what I need to do. I want to read good books and write good essays and reviews and stories and books. I want to listen to music and sing and play piano. I want to help Julie raise our kids. To help them know how amazing they are; to help them see and experience God's love and to live in His fullness. I want to partner with Julie in this life. To help her see and know how beautiful she is. To help her feel useful. Not just useful...I want her to thrive. All of this on top of the mundane duties of life. Of making money, paying bills, fixing broken houses and cars...and lives. Ministry. I almost always forget to list ministry. I'm not sure why. Probably because it's what I'm most supposed to do.

When I think about all of this, I get mad at time. How dare you not allow me to do everything I want to! But today I said aloud to myself, “You live in time. DEAL WITH IT.” It's true. I can just continue to be mad and complain or I can take time by the scruff of the neck and make it work for me. Take the shackles off of my ankles and pull the ol' switcheroo. Time doesn't tell me what to do, I tell time what to do. It's up to me to do as much as I can, as much as I want to each and every day. I might not get everything done that I wanted to, but did I enjoy everything I did get done? Was it all profitable? Did all of it bring glory to God? Did it get me closer to my life goals? Did it reflect my values? I dictate all of these outcomes, not time."

It's sounds so good, doesn't it?  It's not easy, though.  It's hard to be so aggressive.  Though, I suppose it's worth it in the end.  What if I really lived that way?  What if I actually set goals and expended every ounce of energy I have every day to make them happen?  Again, it sounds awesome, but...also tiring.  I need to get over that.  See, I'm the kind of person who loves completing things; the process is not my cup of tea.  When I think about taking small bites or little steps or whatever other cliche you can think of, I just get overwhelmed.  I want that sense of accomplishment that comes with completing a task.  And maybe that's an answer; a perspective change.  Maybe I need to view these little steps as things I'm completing.

In any event...you get the point.  Time is an issue for everybody.  We all have 24 hours a day.  It's time for me, once again, to get aggressive with it.  I want to get in bed every night and say, "I did all I could today.  And THAT makes it a good day."

And then I'll sleep.  Soundly.